Boardroom Analytics

The Cashflow Interrogation

A well-dressed man stops you on the street. "Quick test, no hesitation: a dollar a day for life, or a million dollars right now? There is a right answer."

Training Seminar

Breathe. Good. I run a two-day intensive. You send one of your people, or your machine, or your idea; it comes back *elevated*. The fee is also elevated.

Rewrite Everything in Rust

I'm not shipping features. Not until the backend's rewritten. It's held together with the pizza code I wrote in year one, and I *know*, because I wrote it.

AI Pilot Program

Randy again! Bigger badge now. We've got a pilot program: pick one of your operations and we'll make it *enterprise-grade*. It's a word we own, legally.

The Toxic Genius

So, the new guy. He shipped the whole billing system on Tuesday. Wednesday he made four people cry in a channel called #general. I'm not sure which *counts*.

Growth Hackers

We've looked at your numbers and the problem is the *story*. Pick one of your assets; we'll make it a story. Growth follows story. The invoice follows growth.

The Articles of Incorporation

The state filing portal is open on the laptop. There is a dropdown, a fee, and a cursor blinking on the line that decides what you legally are.

Guerilla Marketing Stunt

We've had a *notion*. At night, from the car park, we put your logo on the side of their headquarters. Forty storeys. Legally grey; visually, very not grey.

Consultants Recommend a Pivot

We've come back, and we've brought a slide. Your model is doomed. Not today, but on this axis, here, by Q3. There's a pivot on the next slide. And a fee.

The Competitor Emails You

I hear you're the new thing. I like to meet the new things early, while they're still *charming*. Lunch. My club. Bring a coat; we keep it cold.

The 1099 Loophole

A thought. If your staff were *contractors*, there'd be no benefits, no payroll tax, and a lovely blank where the overhead was. They'd still come in. Probably.

The Local Co-op Fair

Saturday. Every shop puts a table out, nobody gets paid, and everybody brings something. I've put you down for a table and a *cake*. The cake is negotiable.

The Prototype Demo

Whenever you're ready. I've been ready since ten. I'm told it 'mostly works', which is what the last vendor said, and I still have his *apology*.

Stratagonia Vests & Neon Signs

Randy. I do merch now too. Nobody senior signs without a vest; that's just a fact I'm telling you. Stratagonia, embroidered. And a neon sign that says *vibes*.

The Incubator Wants a Slide

One slide. Sixty seconds. The room has seen four hundred of these and funded nine. Don't read it out loud. Don't say 'synergy'. Tell them a *number*.

Your First Customer

I'll sign. I'll sign today. I want forty percent off, the blue version, an export button, and someone to answer the phone on Sundays. My pen's already out.

Union Drive

No raise anyone could feel in a year, so eighty-one percent of the floor signed a card. We'd like recognition, a meeting, and the good coffee. In that *order*.

The First Legal Threat

Certified post. A cease-and-desist about your name, from a firm that charges by the adjective. It's mostly bluster, but it's *expensive* bluster. So am I.

$80,000 Surprise Cloud Bill

Okay so. I wrote a function that calls itself. It called itself all weekend. The cloud bill has a comma in a place I've never seen a comma. I'm so sorry.

Acqui-hire Offer

Different lunch, this one. My board has asked me to explore a *transaction*. With you. I'll say it once: buy us, take the parachutes, and I never said this.

Patent Filing

You've built something *novel*, which is rare, and someone will copy it, which is not. I can file. Or a firm with better lawyers than me will pay you for it.

The First Hire

So this is the offer conversation. I've been here six months on pizza. Before I sign, I need to know what kind of company this is *going* to be.

Stealth Mode Paranoia

Inez, from the paper. I hear you're building something in a garage and telling nobody. I can keep telling nobody, or I can tell *everybody*. Your call.

Startup Accelerator

Welcome to cohort nine! For the program fee you get mentors, a desk, and a graduate who can code. The hoodie is free either way. That's the *funnel*.

The Lowball Acqui-hire

Here's my offer. It's small; that's the point. You keep your desk, we keep your people, and your product is *retired* with full honours. Sign here.

Sleeping Under the Desk

Rent is due on the apartment and the runway is shorter than the lease. There is a futon behind the server rack. It has been looked at more than once.

Kombucha on Tap

Culture deck, page one: people don't leave for money, they leave for *feeling*. Nitro cold brew on tap, a ping-pong table. Cheaper than raises. Much cheaper.

A Chain Is Moving In

ValuMart's bought the lot at the end of the street. The drawings show a car park where the bakery is. There's a hearing Thursday. I've saved you a *seat*.

Recognition Vote

Thanked instead of paid, again. Vote's Thursday, in the breakroom, by the microwave. Recognise us now and save the *Thursday*, or hire someone to spoil it.

Ramen Month

I'm told you have about three weeks. I'm not calling to help; I'm calling to see what you'll do, because what you do next tells me what you're *worth*.

Kill the Free Plan

Thaddeus. I've had a look at the free tier. Nine million users, none of them paying, all of them *costing*. My clients see a number. Show me which number.

Credit Card Roulette

Randy, enterprise sales. I notice you've started nineteen free trials of my product under names like *Bob Bobson*. I can make this go away. For a licence.

The Garage Lease Expires

It's a garage. I rent garages to cars. There are eleven people in it and one of them's soldering. You're out by the first, unless you'd like to *discuss* it.

Supply Chain Squeeze

Randy, your new account manager! Your old one's been *optimised*. New terms attached: price up, minimums up, thirty days is now ten. Questions? I'm never in.

Office Lease

Second floor, own entrance, carpet that's mostly carpet. Twelve months, first and last up front. Or you keep the garage, which is also mine, and *fuller*.

Founder Biohacking Retreat

Ice at five. Nothing to eat until Thursday. Red light in the afternoons. Your executives will be *optimised*. They will also be very cold and very cross.

The Hidden Cancel Button

Cancellations are up. I've drawn a flowchart where cancelling takes six steps and a phone call. It's ugly, and it *works*. The alternatives cost money.

Hostile Press Cycle

Inez again. It runs Sunday. Eleven hundred words, three former employees, one spreadsheet you thought was deleted. I'm calling for *comment*. Comment away.

The .com is Taken

Your .com belongs to a gentleman in Rotterdam who bought it in 2004 for the price of a sandwich. He has sent a figure. I've sent it to you unopened.

The Burnout Seminar

Your people are *vibrating*. That's not a compliment, it's a diagnosis. I can slow them down for a fee, or you can keep calling the vibration culture.

Friends and Family Round

Your aunt has brought the chequebook to dinner. She has also brought opinions. The two are available together, or separately at a smaller amount.

Offshore Restructure

Picture an island. Warm. No corporation tax. Now picture your operations there, on paper only. Valuation goes up, tax goes away, and nobody has to *move*.

Leveraged Buyout

I can have the money in your account by Friday. Enough to buy the thing you've been circling. The rate is what I'd call *aggressive*, and I say it fondly.

Open Source Rugpull

Three cloud providers are selling your open-source code as a service and sending you nothing but bug reports. The licence lets them. The licence can *change*.

Sweat Equity & Cold Pizza

Hi. I can build your whole backend. I don't need money, I need one percent and a pizza on Fridays, and for someone to say 'good job' out loud once.

The Day Job Overlap

You're still at Consolidated. I checked the badge in your pocket. You're building our thing on *their* laptop, and their laptop keeps a log.

Nobody Has Written the Handbook

Quick one. Is there a handbook? Somebody asked if we get holidays and I said I'd ask, and now everyone's looking at me. Are there *rules*?

Unlimited PTO

Unlimited PTO. Say it slowly. Nobody takes it, because nobody knows how much is *too* much, and the ones who guess wrong warn the rest. It costs you nothing.

The Cofounder Conversation

I want it in writing. My half, my name on the door, and a vote. I've been sleeping on your floor for a year, so don't call it *ambition*.

The Comp Conversation

So. I've been here a year. I looked up the going rate and it's, um, *more*. I'm not leaving. I'm just asking what we're doing about it.

The Zero-Day

I found a door into a competitor's billing system. Nobody knows it's there but me. For the right price, nobody but you.

The Leaked Database

Eleven million customer records, fresh off a rival's server. Emails, card numbers, birthdays. Imagine the targeting.

Free Dinner After Eight

Free dinner after eight. I've watched it work. They stay for the food, then they stay because they stayed. The nap pods are for the ones who don't get *home*.

The Office Fit-Out

Lease renewal. I'll fit the place out, within reason, and put it on the rent. Game room, nap pods, whatever the kids want. Or desks. Desks are *free*.

The Pizza Party

Payroll's due and the number doesn't work. It works if we skip raises this year. There's a pizza place that does *corporate*. Nobody's ever quit over pizza.

The Benefits Renewal

Renewal's in. The plan is up eighteen percent, which is funny, because the plan is a ping pong table and a tap. I can make the number go away. Say the *word*.

Best Places to Work

I'm doing a list. Best Places to Work. Your own staff *nominated* you, apparently. Give me a tour and a quote, or I'll write it without you.

The Auditors Return

Hamish. We've met; you had me shown out. I came back with the Q3 file, and the Q3 file has a hole in it the shape of your *growth*. We can talk about the hole.

Joshua Tree Offsite

The servers are down and the executives are *misaligned*. There's a dome in the desert. Three days, sound baths, no phones. Fifty thousand. The bugs can wait.

The Whistleblower

Someone in accounts kept copies. Of everything. They've sent a regulator a *teaser*. I can make them very rich and very quiet, or you can make them right.

The Exodus

Three resignations this week. Nobody said it was how they were treated. Everybody said it. I have a list of what brings the last two back. It's *short*.

The Retraining Program

Retraining. Word of the year. Some of them will learn to run the machine and some will learn the machine doesn't need running. Either way, it's *training*.

The Compensation Committee

Comp committee. Two items. A bonus scheme for the executives, or a retreat for *everyone*, which the executives will attend and everyone else will hear about.

The Severance Negotiation

Severance. Three drafts. A package for them, which is *kind*. A parachute for you, which is prudent. Insurance on all of them, which is what I'd sign.

The Subpoena

Federal agents have your server logs and a very long list of questions. I can make this quiet, or I can make it loud. Quiet costs more.

The Debanking

Your bank closed your accounts. 'Reputational risk', they said. Mine has no reputation to risk. Bank with me. The fees are very reasonable, for crime.

The Culture Deck

Slide nine. Two kinds of company: the ones that give people things, and the ones that make people do things. Both work. Pick before slide ten, it's a *fork*.

Community-Adjusted EBITDA

The prospectus is nearly done. Cash flow's negative, so we've invented a metric: *Community-Adjusted* EBITDA. It's what you'd earn if expenses were a rumour.

Smoking Gun Memos

The Commission has your executive chats. There's one where someone writes 'buy them and bury them', with a smiley. It's *Exhibit A*. I'd like to discuss it.

The Founder's Portrait

His portrait hangs in the lobby, the boardroom and the lift. People nod to it. I'd like to talk about *your* brand, and what we do with his.

The Card Machine

Randy, payments! Cash-only is charming, but most of your street pays by tapping. I've got a reader, a loyalty app, and a *very* small monthly fee.

Regulatory Probe

Hamish. I've moved to the public sector; same briefcase, worse coffee. The Commission has questions about your Q3, and this time I don't *need* an appointment.

The Lifers

Eleven people on payroll joined before the fax machine. They know where everything is. I'd like to know what they *do*.

The First Earnings Call

First earnings call, nine sharp. The analysts want a number, a vision, and proof you're more than the name on the door. You'll get to *two*.

The Chain Store Offer

We'd like to buy your corner. We keep the sign up for a year, call it a merger, and you retire somewhere warm. Everyone sells eventually.

Board Seat Offer

My client would like a seat. Not a chair, a *seat*. A vote, a veto, a say in where the money goes. In exchange, a great deal of money, going in. Think fast.

The Grandkid's Summer

The grandkid is home for the summer with a ring light, half a business degree, and *opinions* about the shop's online presence. There isn't one.

The Charity Gala

The charity gala's Saturday. Black tie, silent auction, a hospital wing with the company's name already *engraved*. Speaking, or just paying?

The Insurance Renewal

Your liability insurer has read the news. The premium's tripled, there's a new exclusion for 'anything you did', and they'd like a *meeting*.

The Tab

Old Mr. Ferreira's tab is nineteen years long and, by my count, *eleven hundred dollars*. He says he's good for it. He's said so since the Olympics.

The Dawn Raid

Six-fifteen. I have a warrant, eleven colleagues and a van for your *servers*. Watch, call a lawyer, or try the shredder. I'd advise against the shredder.

The Town Rallies

The chain's opening flopped. Half the street came back the first week, and they brought their kids. Folks remember who stayed open.

The Nephew

Your cousin's boy needs a job. He has a degree in *vibes*, a boat, and your aunt behind him. Your aunt also holds nine percent of the votes.

The Bargaining Table

First contract. The list isn't money, mostly. A chair that doesn't hurt, lunch that's food, a day off when someone dies. Sign it and I'll stop *counting*.

The Company Jet

The Cull

The Exposé

I have the perks memo. I have the exit interviews. I have a photo of the tap, which is a *water* tap now. It runs Sunday. Spin it, settle it, or read it.

Four Am Club

Good Debt

Penny Riddle

Pto Exchange

The Poach

The Rent Letter

Lovely tenants, all these years. The building's been valued, so your rent has been *valued* too. Or buy the place. I'd sell to you. For a number.