Boardroom Analytics
Macro trends across founders, corporate rivals, adopted policies, dilemmas, and vendor traffic.
Founders
CEO Retention & Funnel
Funnel & dropoff telemetry
Competition
Rivals & Encounters
Win rates & bout telemetry
Directives
Policy Performance
Adoption & win rate meta
Decisions
Active
Dilemmas (Choices)
Decision branch distribution
Commerce
Vendors & Purchases
Foot traffic & sales
Endowments
Grants & Gifts
Offer conversion & windfalls
The Cashflow Interrogation
A well-dressed man stops you on the street. "Quick test, no hesitation: a dollar a day for life, or a million dollars right now? There is a right answer."
Training Seminar
Breathe. Good. I run a two-day intensive. You send one of your people, or your machine, or your idea; it comes back *elevated*. The fee is also elevated.
AI Pilot Program
Randy again! Bigger badge now. We've got a pilot program: pick one of your operations and we'll make it *enterprise-grade*. It's a word we own, legally.
Rewrite Everything in Rust
I'm not shipping features. Not until the backend's rewritten. It's held together with the pizza code I wrote in year one, and I *know*, because I wrote it.
Growth Hackers
We've looked at your numbers and the problem is the *story*. Pick one of your assets; we'll make it a story. Growth follows story. The invoice follows growth.
Guerilla Marketing Stunt
We've had a *notion*. At night, from the car park, we put your logo on the side of their headquarters. Forty storeys. Legally grey; visually, very not grey.
The Toxic Genius
So, the new guy. He shipped the whole billing system on Tuesday. Wednesday he made four people cry in a channel called #general. I'm not sure which *counts*.
Consultants Recommend a Pivot
We've come back, and we've brought a slide. Your model is doomed. Not today, but on this axis, here, by Q3. There's a pivot on the next slide. And a fee.
Stratagonia Vests & Neon Signs
Randy. I do merch now too. Nobody senior signs without a vest; that's just a fact I'm telling you. Stratagonia, embroidered. And a neon sign that says *vibes*.
The Competitor Emails You
I hear you're the new thing. I like to meet the new things early, while they're still *charming*. Lunch. My club. Bring a coat; we keep it cold.
The Articles of Incorporation
The state filing portal is open on the laptop. There is a dropdown, a fee, and a cursor blinking on the line that decides what you legally are.
The 1099 Loophole
A thought. If your staff were *contractors*, there'd be no benefits, no payroll tax, and a lovely blank where the overhead was. They'd still come in. Probably.
The Incubator Wants a Slide
One slide. Sixty seconds. The room has seen four hundred of these and funded nine. Don't read it out loud. Don't say 'synergy'. Tell them a *number*.
The Local Co-op Fair
Saturday. Every shop puts a table out, nobody gets paid, and everybody brings something. I've put you down for a table and a *cake*. The cake is negotiable.
The Prototype Demo
Whenever you're ready. I've been ready since ten. I'm told it 'mostly works', which is what the last vendor said, and I still have his *apology*.
$80,000 Surprise Cloud Bill
Okay so. I wrote a function that calls itself. It called itself all weekend. The cloud bill has a comma in a place I've never seen a comma. I'm so sorry.
Startup Accelerator
Welcome to cohort nine! For the program fee you get mentors, a desk, and a graduate who can code. The hoodie is free either way. That's the *funnel*.
Union Drive
Morning. Eighty-one percent of the floor signed a card, and I've got the cards. We'd like recognition, a meeting, and the good coffee. In that *order*.
Stealth Mode Paranoia
Inez, from the paper. I hear you're building something in a garage and telling nobody. I can keep telling nobody, or I can tell *everybody*. Your call.
The Lowball Acqui-hire
Here's my offer. It's small; that's the point. You keep your desk, we keep your people, and your product is *retired* with full honours. Sign here.
The First Hire
So this is the offer conversation. I've been here six months on pizza. Before I sign, I need to know what kind of company this is *going* to be.
Patent Filing
You've built something *novel*, which is rare, and someone will copy it, which is not. I can file. Or a firm with better lawyers than me will pay you for it.
Recognition Vote
Vote's Thursday, in the breakroom, by the microwave. I've counted; I know how it goes. Recognise us now and save the *Thursday*, or hire someone to spoil it.
The First Legal Threat
Certified post. A cease-and-desist about your name, from a firm that charges by the adjective. It's mostly bluster, but it's *expensive* bluster. So am I.
Your First Customer
I'll sign. I'll sign today. I want forty percent off, the blue version, an export button, and someone to answer the phone on Sundays. My pen's already out.
Kombucha on Tap
Culture deck, page one: people don't leave for money, they leave for *feeling*. Nitro cold brew on tap, a ping-pong table. Cheaper than raises. Much cheaper.
Sleeping Under the Desk
Rent is due on the apartment and the runway is shorter than the lease. There is a futon behind the server rack. It has been looked at more than once.
A Chain Is Moving In
ValuMart's bought the lot at the end of the street. The drawings show a car park where the bakery is. There's a hearing Thursday. I've saved you a *seat*.
Acqui-hire Offer
Different lunch, this one. My board has asked me to explore a *transaction*. With you. I'll say it once: buy us, take the parachutes, and I never said this.
Ramen Month
I'm told you have about three weeks. I'm not calling to help; I'm calling to see what you'll do, because what you do next tells me what you're *worth*.
The Garage Lease Expires
It's a garage. I rent garages to cars. There are eleven people in it and one of them's soldering. You're out by the first, unless you'd like to *discuss* it.
Supply Chain Squeeze
Randy, your new account manager! Your old one's been *optimised*. New terms attached: price up, minimums up, thirty days is now ten. Questions? I'm never in.
Kill the Free Plan
Thaddeus. I've had a look at the free tier. Nine million users, none of them paying, all of them *costing*. My clients see a number. Show me which number.
Leveraged Buyout
I can have the money in your account by Friday. Enough to buy the thing you've been circling. The rate is what I'd call *aggressive*, and I say it fondly.
Friends and Family Round
Your aunt has brought the chequebook to dinner. She has also brought opinions. The two are available together, or separately at a smaller amount.
Credit Card Roulette
Randy, enterprise sales. I notice you've started nineteen free trials of my product under names like *Bob Bobson*. I can make this go away. For a licence.
The .com is Taken
Your .com belongs to a gentleman in Rotterdam who bought it in 2004 for the price of a sandwich. He has sent a figure. I've sent it to you unopened.
Office Lease
Second floor, own entrance, carpet that's mostly carpet. Twelve months, first and last up front. Or you keep the garage, which is also mine, and *fuller*.
Open Source Rugpull
Three cloud providers are selling your open-source code as a service and sending you nothing but bug reports. The licence lets them. The licence can *change*.
Sweat Equity & Cold Pizza
Hi. I can build your whole backend. I don't need money, I need one percent and a pizza on Fridays, and for someone to say 'good job' out loud once.
The Hidden Cancel Button
Cancellations are up. I've drawn a flowchart where cancelling takes six steps and a phone call. It's ugly, and it *works*. The alternatives cost money.
Founder Biohacking Retreat
Ice at five. Nothing to eat until Thursday. Red light in the afternoons. Your executives will be *optimised*. They will also be very cold and very cross.
The Day Job Overlap
You're still at Consolidated. I checked the badge in your pocket. You're building our thing on *their* laptop, and their laptop keeps a log.
The Cofounder Conversation
I want it in writing. My half, my name on the door, and a vote. I've been sleeping on your floor for a year, so don't call it *ambition*.
Offshore Restructure
Picture an island. Warm. No corporation tax. Now picture your operations there, on paper only. Valuation goes up, tax goes away, and nobody has to *move*.
Hostile Press Cycle
Inez again. It runs Sunday. Eleven hundred words, three former employees, one spreadsheet you thought was deleted. I'm calling for *comment*. Comment away.
The Auditors Return
Hamish. We've met; you had me shown out. I came back with the Q3 file, and the Q3 file has a hole in it the shape of your *growth*. We can talk about the hole.
Nobody Has Written the Handbook
Quick one. Is there a handbook? Somebody asked if we get holidays and I said I'd ask, and now everyone's looking at me. Are there *rules*?
The Culture Deck
Slide nine. Two kinds of company: the ones that give people things, and the ones that make people do things. Both work. Pick before slide ten, it's a *fork*.
The Day Job Overlap
You're still at Consolidated. I checked the badge in your pocket. You're building our thing on *their* laptop, and their laptop keeps a log.
Consultants Recommend a Pivot
We've come back, and we've brought a slide. Your model is doomed. Not today, but on this axis, here, by Q3. There's a pivot on the next slide. And a fee.
The Comp Conversation
So. I've been here a year. I looked up the going rate and it's, um, *more*. I'm not leaving. I'm just asking what we're doing about it.
Your First Customer
I'll sign. I'll sign today. I want forty percent off, the blue version, an export button, and someone to answer the phone on Sundays. My pen's already out.
Ramen Month
I'm told you have about three weeks. I'm not calling to help; I'm calling to see what you'll do, because what you do next tells me what you're *worth*.
Unlimited PTO
Unlimited PTO. Say it slowly. Nobody takes it, because nobody knows how much is *too* much, and the ones who guess wrong warn the rest. It costs you nothing.
The Burnout Seminar
Your people are *vibrating*. That's not a compliment, it's a diagnosis. I can slow them down for a fee, or you can keep calling the vibration culture.
The Office Fit-Out
Lease renewal. I'll fit the place out, within reason, and put it on the rent. Game room, nap pods, whatever the kids want. Or desks. Desks are *free*.
Free Dinner After Eight
Free dinner after eight. I've watched it work. They stay for the food, then they stay because they stayed. The nap pods are for the ones who don't get *home*.
The Severance Negotiation
Severance. Three drafts. A package for them, which is *kind*. A parachute for you, which is prudent. Insurance on all of them, which is what I'd sign.
Sweat Equity & Cold Pizza
Hi. I can build your whole backend. I don't need money, I need one percent and a pizza on Fridays, and for someone to say 'good job' out loud once.
The Burnout Seminar
Your people are *vibrating*. That's not a compliment, it's a diagnosis. I can slow them down for a fee, or you can keep calling the vibration culture.
Stealth Mode Paranoia
Inez, from the paper. I hear you're building something in a garage and telling nobody. I can keep telling nobody, or I can tell *everybody*. Your call.
Free Dinner After Eight
Free dinner after eight. I've watched it work. They stay for the food, then they stay because they stayed. The nap pods are for the ones who don't get *home*.
The 1099 Loophole
A thought. If your staff were *contractors*, there'd be no benefits, no payroll tax, and a lovely blank where the overhead was. They'd still come in. Probably.